Friday, June 30, 2006

I'm gonna buy a blimp. I've got it all set up already. I know this guy named Benny who runs a blimping business in Europe and he's gonna fly one over here and park it in my driveway. I'll pay him $800 and then he'll fly back to Europe on this smaller blimp he has hidden inside the blimp he sold me.

I already know what I'm going to do first. Race a zeppelin. There's this old German guy who I'm pretty sure is a nazi that lives down the road and he has this massive menacing black zeppelin just sitting in his yard. And sometimes I see him sitting in it, and he stares at me, and sometimes I think he mouths 'fuck you' at me but it's hard to see. He is going down, because if the laws of physics teach us anything, it's that blimps are way faster than zeppelins, and that nazis never win.

I'm gonna cheat too. I got this huge long spear I'm gonna chuck at his zeppelin and it's gonna explode and he's gonna die and I'll win. It won't be murder, because I'll be killing a nazi, and those dudes are like #0 on the Top Wanted List. Unless he's not a nazi, in which case I'll be killing an old German man, and I will have earned the eternity of pitchforking and soulreaming I recieve in Hell. Unless God hates Germans and welcomes me with open arms into Heaven, but I think God's pretty cool with all races.

Bye for now.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I want to get revenge. That's my one and only goal in life. What's better than getting revenge? Nothing! I want to put on a leather jacket, drive off on a motorcycle and hunt down 'The White Cobra', the Southern crime lord who killed my Mexican partner and framed me for the murder. It'd be a lot like that show 'Renegade', except a lot less buff and I'm a little less of a sexist then Lorenzo Lamas.

Vengeance is pretty good, but that's a lot messier and there's a lot of red tape. When you declare revenge on someone, you usually just say 'I'll get you Murdock! Maybe not today...or tomorrow...but I'll get you!' You have lots of time to do other stuff too, like finish your errands or maybe go get some catfood for your wicked awesome cat. With vengeance, you're all like 'MURDOCK!!!!! YOU SNEAKY BASTARD!!! I'LL KILL YOU RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!" and you don't have time to see your wicked awesome cat or anything, you just gotta go kill that bastard Murdock. Whoever he is. Let's say he punched your cat and you want to get him back. Fucking Murdock.

Then there's Revengeance. That's like, the ultimate form of getting back at someone. That's when you kill them, piss on their corpse, curse their family, piss on their grave, set their grave on fire, then piss on the ashes of their grave. Then you kill yourself to get to Heck (Or Hell if you want to be a pottymouth about it) and you piss on them down there and they're like 'Dude, why you peeing on me?' and you just say 'How's the weather down there, peeboy?' and you keep peeing on them for eternity. Satan will allow it, and possibly encourage it.

So I encourage you all, go out there and get revenge. Don't let your murdered Mexican partners die in vain. To quote Lorenzo Lamas from that show 'Renegade', 'I like my revenge like I like my women: cold and heartless. And cooking my dinner'.

Bye for now.

The other day an older bald gentlemen walked up to me and said 'Excuse me dude, but do you know if God exists?' and without even having to think about it I responded with 'Yo, get the eff out of my way Kojack!' and I giggled and took off down the road. But his terrible, terrible question got me thinking: does God really exist? Now, I'll be the first to admit I'm not the most religious person in the world. In fact, I've only been in a church once, and I was there as an extra on that show Father Dowling Mysteries. Here's a quick fun fact: Tom Bosley is 103 years old.

But I believe in God, because really, there's a lot of proof that he does exist. Just check out this handy, dandy list I made revealing it all:

  1. Listen to the album 'Sports' by Huey Lewis and the News. You tell me God doesn't exist after hearing it.

Well, that's it actually. I know you were probably expecting a long list with lots of research and history, but Huey Lewis is all I got. But I think it's enough, and seriously, I Want a New Drug is a pretty rockin' song. So that obviously means God exists. Bye for now.