Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I want to shine the spotlight on something that's very dear to my heart, and I don't think gets the respect and love it deserves. Blues Brothers 2000.

Dan Akroyd and John Goodman team up with a young kid and a black cop to spread the blues all across America in a rip roarin', hole borin', beach shorin', Rip Tornin' good time that is not only better the original film, BUT IS ALSO THE GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME. Look it up, it's a fact.

So why does the movie get such a bad rap? Well easy. The Literati. Those smarmy bastards, in their top hats and monocles in their secret underground lairs where they drop nuclear bombs (figuratively) on our health system and shoot lasers (non-figuratively) at our economy. They loathe when a movie helps instill hope and promise into the people of the world, so they immediately forced every critic in the world to call the movie a turd hat. Don't you think it was a little harsh and strange when Peter Travers called the movie 'Bullshit propaganda that makes me wish I was in the Holocaust getting bullwhipped by a robotic hitler'? I certainly don't, as that was the only real review that was not influenced by the Literati.

So fight back against the secret, possibly non-existant evil group that runs the world we live in. Watch Blues Brothers 2000, and maybe, just maybe...our voices will be heard.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

What the eff. I watched Turner and Hooch last night (FINALLY! I know!) and Hooch died at the end. It was really sad and I felt bad watching it. I know, who'd expect to feel bad while watching Turner and Hooch. It's madness.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Tom Hanks.

Monday, July 17, 2006

I bought a cabana. It's a pretty cool cabana too, really hi-tech. It's got all the usual cabana-isms like a straw roof and a lot of bananas lying around and a stereo that only plays Jimmy Buffet, but it's also got a high-powered rifle inside and a hatch in the floor that leads to the secret underground cabana where the real action is. I know what you're thinking, 'How can you listen to the Jimmy Buffet while you're firing the loud assault rifle at enemies trying to sneak into your cabana?'. Well, that's a really dumb think to ask and I refuse to answer it. Sorry, but maybe you should thing of a better question next time.

My cabana also has wheels and I can drive it around like a tank. So watch out, because I may be coming to your neighborhood.

Bye for now.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I just finished my 1st techno album. It's called 'The Underground Rave-Road' and it's coming out under my DJ Gluehead name. If you like getting drugged up and dancing around with midgets in jester uniforms in abandoned warehouses surrounded by glowsticks and strobe lights, then I think this album is for you.

The tracklisting is as follows:

1. I'm Tripping Out on E at Fatboy Slim's House
2. Bowp Bowp Bowp (Goes the Beat)
3. Siren! Alarm! Danger! Nooooo!
4. A Slave to the Underground Rave-Road (I Had a Dream...)
5. pOliTiKs
6. Da Bass Hits Ya Like Dat
7. Sh-Sh-Ah-Ah-Yuh-Yuh
8. I'm Tripping Out on E at Fatboy Slim's House (Extended Remix Version)
9. Eff Da Police

As you can tell by titles like 'A Slave to the Underground Rave-Road', 'pOliTiKs' and 'Da Bass Hits Ya Like Dat', this is a very politically aware techno album. Not only am I making the repetitive beats and loops people are expecting, I'm sampling in some political messages to educate you while you're lying on the floor of a warehouse, dying from dehyrdation. Just imagine...Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech...with a kicking rad bassline like 'boot boot boot boot dada boot boot boot' behind it. Yeah, it's on this album. And old Marty would've thought it was tripping the light fantastic.

And be sure to catch me at The Umbrella Factory on July 28th in San Diego. I'll be playing the new album there live, so charge up your glowsticks in the freezer now, because this rave's gonna be hot and full of pills! Also remember to not be a NARC if you're coming, thanks.

Bye for now.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I've been working on my great American novel (In Canada) and I thought I'd give you all a sneak peek of it. It's called 'The Wasp Initiative', and it's a political thriller about this guy named Thomas Wasp who goes undercover in the C.I.A to try and catch this rogue agent named Doug Initiative. I'd say it's a mixture of Tom Clancy, John Grisham with elements taken from 50 Cent's autobiography 'From Pieces to Weight'. But enough of my blabbering, have an excerpt from the book:

Wasp put the manilla file on the table. "You know what's in there, Doug. All the phone records, the e-mails, the letters, the telegrams you sent to the Chinese. You've been leaking top secret information, and I have the proof to bring you down."

Doug Initiative lit up the massive stogie in his mouth. "Well well well, if it isn't the Government's patsy. What's it like being a puppet for them, PATSY Cline."

"I don't know what you mean!?" Wasp furrowed his brow in confusion.

Doug lit up the cigarette in his mouth. "You think the NSA's just trying to take me down to clean up corruption in the C.I.A? Ha, like that's believable. I was just like you once, doing whatever the 'government' told me to do. You need to think for yourself man, be your own boss."

Wasp shook his head. "And get lost in the corruption like you? No thanks. I keep my alliegiance where I keep my my heart."

Doug leaned back in his chair and exhaled some smoke. "Your heart, eh? Let's just see what you do keep in it."

Doug sat up and pulled a gun out of his leg holster. He raised it up to Wasp's chest and shot it at his heart. Wasp screamed and jumped out of the way, the bullet just missing him. Wasp grabbed the manilla file off the desk and lept out the window, grabbing a hold of the american flag jutting out the side of the building. At that very moment, Wasp was glad he lived in such a patriotic country.

To be continued....

Pretty great, huh? Just imagine all that tension and excitement, but spread over 456 pages. But to make sure you do get a chance to read it all, I gotta go finish the thing, so I better get a-typin'!

Bye for now.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

I'm not Alan Thicke. Stop asking me. I get at least 30 e-mails a day from people asking me if I'm him. I'm not, I never was, and I don't plan to be.

But speaking of Alan Thicke, I do have a funny story that involves him. And it's all true, I swear.

I was in New York working as a grip during the filming of the film 'Cop and a Half', a delightful family comedy starring Burt Reynolds. I came in a monday, and everyone was abuzz with anticipation. Apparently, Alan Thicke was coming by to give his opinion on the movie. You see, there's this old tradition in Hollywood where Alan Thicke visits every film set (Usually wearing a cape or some sort of royalty garment) and he proceeds to comb over the area with a finetooth comb (He has since started using a mechanical comb) and then either gives it a yay or a nay. Well, the time came at lunch, and I heard the trumpets blare that meant Alan had arrived. I quickly ran to the entrance of the set and saw Alan in all his glory, wearing a flowing rope and draped in the finest silks imaginable. He looked into my eyes, I looked into his eyes, and in that moment, I felt peace.

And that's my story. Alan Thicke has since died and my peace has been replaced with fear and trepidation.

Bye for now.

Friday, June 30, 2006

I'm gonna buy a blimp. I've got it all set up already. I know this guy named Benny who runs a blimping business in Europe and he's gonna fly one over here and park it in my driveway. I'll pay him $800 and then he'll fly back to Europe on this smaller blimp he has hidden inside the blimp he sold me.

I already know what I'm going to do first. Race a zeppelin. There's this old German guy who I'm pretty sure is a nazi that lives down the road and he has this massive menacing black zeppelin just sitting in his yard. And sometimes I see him sitting in it, and he stares at me, and sometimes I think he mouths 'fuck you' at me but it's hard to see. He is going down, because if the laws of physics teach us anything, it's that blimps are way faster than zeppelins, and that nazis never win.

I'm gonna cheat too. I got this huge long spear I'm gonna chuck at his zeppelin and it's gonna explode and he's gonna die and I'll win. It won't be murder, because I'll be killing a nazi, and those dudes are like #0 on the Top Wanted List. Unless he's not a nazi, in which case I'll be killing an old German man, and I will have earned the eternity of pitchforking and soulreaming I recieve in Hell. Unless God hates Germans and welcomes me with open arms into Heaven, but I think God's pretty cool with all races.

Bye for now.